The safest place to do your drinking is at home

In the burns unit the doctor was this big Scot.  I’d scalded my feet.  And no, it wasn’t the drink. Making myself a cup of tea was what did it.  A cup of bloody tea.  Anyway, once they got me in to the hospital it took a long wee while to cut my slippers off.

And like I was saying there was this big fierce Scot and when he came on his rounds, he didn’t call us by our names, but by our bits.  The bits that were burned.  So I was FEET.  The woman in the bed next up was HIP.  She’d fallen out of bed and landed against the heater.  There was an ELBOW.  Don’t know how she did that.  And an EAR. 

I never heard what the big fellow called the next patient that arrived.  They rolled her in just as I was shuffling out.  She'd tipped hot tea between her legs.

A story from my aunt.